So Busy!

It's been over a week since I've drafted an entry and man what a week and change it's been. I've been keeping pretty busy with homework for one. My classes remain interesting but they definitely are keeping me occupied. Last Tuesday was my first lab section in over a decade, and I think it went pretty well. It was a simple temperature monitoring exercise (measure temperature trends of hot water, add ice, melt, measure temperature trends of ice cooled water) and I believe I understand the concepts about thermodynamics/energy transfer it was intended to demonstrate quite well. For the most part the material in the text and video lectures for Chemistry has been a slightly more in depth review of material I read about over the summer in Kristin's Intro Chemistry text book. Ions, different types of substances (Compounds, mixtures, diatomic elements, etc.), chemical bonding processes, molar measurements, composition of an atom, calculated atomic mass, balancing empirical formulas, isotopes. It's interesting to me, which I guess is a good thing and a positive indicator that I am preceding in the right direction in my studies and career aspirations. To put it concisely: science is awesome. Medical terminology has been okay too, though not as exciting. It is definitely living up to its status as a one credit course so far, but that is not to say I am not learning material there. It's just so straightforward compared to what I'm used to in my studies; there aren't really higher concepts to familiarize myself with (well basic word construction concepts, but that's nothing new to me), it's just data memorization. Once that's down it's pretty easy to steamroll my quizzes.

Outside of school things have been going fairly well. I think I may have mentioned this in an earlier entry but I volunteered myself for the extra homework of preparing a devotional for last night's 19 Day Feast (for the month of'Izzat) at the Baha'i center of Minneapolis. This was a little bit stressful (largely because of my procrastination) but did feel very rewarding. I hadn't realized it when I volunteered, but this year the Feast of 'Izzat fell on the same night as Rosh Hashanah, the first day of the New Year on the Jewish calendar. This has particular significance to me as a member of the Baha'i faith who is partially of Jewish descent. I made mention of this during the Devotional portion of Feast last night and also acknowledged that we are approaching the new year on the Islamic Calendar (Eid al-Fitr, the conclusion of Ramadan, is tomorrow). I found significance in the alignment of these events and it definitely influenced me in constructing the devotional, leading me to draw on passages from the Torah/Bible and the Qur'an as well as the Baha'i writings and prayers. I neglected to mention this to the assembly but it really felt very special to be there with that community on Rosh Hashanah. For much of my youth my Hebrew heritage was a liability that could place me in physical danger if certain members of the community at large were aware of it. Last night I was able to discuss that part of my background and identity in a spiritually nurturing environment where I feel a genuine appreciation for diversity, a respect for differences and a comfort that I never would have felt celebrating Rosh Hashanah ten or fifteen years ago.

That's all I have in me for now, but I want to try to put another entry or two together before the week is out. I've done some creative stuff recently that I definitely would like to reflect on. Until then . . .

Tell Me Where It Hurts Pt. I

I pushed through what probably should have been my bedtime last night in order to finish Tell Me Where It Hurts by Dr. Nick Trout. This book was really great, a sort of composite memoir based on the professional experiences of Dr. Trout, a veterinary surgeon in the Boston area. I'd like to revisit the topic of the book at some point and review it a little more thoroughly when I have it at hand (at the moment I do not) to reference and perhaps quote excerpts from. That said I will sum up my reaction by saying that this was an excellent book that did a good job of reinforcing my desire to pursue a career in animal medicine. Having had a rough week last week I have backed off my pursuit of volunteer opportunities in veterinary clinics and/or animal rescue operations for the time being. Part of me still wants to hold out for an opportunity, sparse though they are in a community with the suburban sprawl of the Twin Cities metro area, to work with large/food supply animals, but I now feel that there is just as much for me to be gained by working with companion animals at an urban clinic or shelter for the moment.

In other news I joined an old friend who [entirely coincidentally] lives half a block away from me for a trip to the gym last night. I had a pretty good workout and didn't feel too sore afterwards. I also, despite going to bed later than I ought to have last night, felt much more well rested than I have in over a month. Maybe the good workout helped. Maybe the adjustments I've made to the supplements I'm taking are proving beneficial (I've stopped taking vitamin D pills. I'll start again when the time available for me to be out in daylight wanes again as winter approaches). I think a major factor has to do with the changes in weather conditions that began a few days ago. It is a bit cooler, and humidity & barometric pressure levels have dropped significantly. I really think that this has helped my ability to sleep comfortably significantly (yes, even with the air conditioning in my bedroom). I know I have actually had dreams the last evening or two. I don't recall exactly what I dreamed but I know I did dream which suggests a deeper and more restful sleep than I've had in ages. Thank you, God.

Psychological Cripple

I've been experiencing varying degrees of anxiety almost constantly for upwards of a month at this point. It has made it very difficult for me to interact with others, and I think placed strain on my relationships. It has hampered my ability to focus. It has negatively effected my ability to think rationally. It is scary and sometimes paralyzing and it sucks. My heart is too often racing. My attention too eratic. I have difficulty calming down. I sleep restlessly. I've tried to dismiss it as having passed, or as being circumstantial, but it's beyond that. There are things that have definitely fueled it. my birthday. the assault on August 4th. trying to make plans for gatherings with friends. consistently busy weeks and weekends. irregular sleep. sorting out school scheduling and financial assistance. coping with a job I often find frustrating or boring. being the sole bread winner for my home. All of these things weigh on me and make it that much more difficult. I feel isolated and alone and as though this, fuelling my anxiety further, is creating a snowballing self-fulfilling prophecy of isolation from others. I feel like I almost have to isolate myself to protect people from my toxic emotional state. I want to hide and cry and throw up until I'm so exhausted I just sleep until I'm refereshed. But when I wake from sleeping it's still there. I've been encouraged to accept and embrace and experience the emotons, and I'm trying but they're so intense that it is terrifying and overwhelming and I feel like I just keep going in deeper. Why can't I be a robot? Why do I have to feel and be so fragile. My insides burn, and my thoughts mislead me. My muscles ache. I feel my blood press against the walls of my skin. I leak emotional poison like a plague carrier. I radiate madness to infect anybody not so emotionally repressed and guarded to resist it. It hurts. It hurts so much. Emotionally yes, but there are now physical sensational symptoms too (maybe psychosomatic, maybe not), and it's effecting my mental faculties as well. Feel so totally lost in a crowded wilderness of madness. Scared of ending up on the street or an instititution. Affraid of hurting somebody.

Help. Please God. Don't let me become the Joker.

Shell-Shock

Yesterday I was the target of an unprovoked assault.

I was walking from my car to the sushi restaurant I had just dropped Kristin off at and decided to cut across the alley-like parking lot of the neighboring liquor store. No big deal, I've done this dozens of times before. About half way across the lot I realized that the background noise of somebody shouting was directed at me when a guy in his early to mid twenties ran up behind me and slapped the left side of my face hard enough that my glasses came off. He proceeded to shout semi-coherent things at me, referring to me as "punk" and shoved me as I continued to move through the parking lot to my destination. I don't know if he was hoping to mug me or just attempting to pick a fight, but when I neared the edge of the parking lot he backed off and slunk back in to it. I went into the restaurant and told Kristin what had happened and that I was pretty shaken up. She encouraged me to call the police and file a report. Me, of all people, call the police. There was a time where I NEVER would have turned to the police. When I actively avoided law enforcement.

We ate our dinner with me feeling a degree of agitation as the initial shock wore off and the pain in my left cheek, brow and jaw set in. I started to worry that this clearly angry and unstable person had seen me leave our car and that he would have damaged it, but I was becoming scared to go back to the vehicle without seeing the police first. Especially with Kristin there. I'm trying not to be misogynistic there, but she's my wife and I feel protective of her. She is also still recovering from a Yoga related injury to her knee. Right around the time we received our check the police officer arrived to take my report. The guy had fled the scene, my car was fine, and the officer filed the incident as a fifth degree assault.

*sigh* I don't know how to talk about or even think about this. I think maybe I feel emasculated. Weak. It isn't like I got really beat up. I didn't get robbed. I just have thought of myself as a tougher person than that. Somebody who defends others. Not a victim. On the other hand, I guess I'm more hard on myself than I am on anybody else; hold myself to more unreachable standards. I may jump to the defense of others, but how often do I really stand up for myself in non-physical confrontation.

Well . . . at least I've got something significant to discuss in therapy tomorrow. Happy almost-my 29th Birthday.

Delicious Dining

In the mist of not writing entries lately due to the state of exhaustion I've been in since last Sunday (3.5 hours of sleep a very busy day and not really catching up on successive evenings is not conducive to a stable frame of mind) I have strangely managed to prepare no less than 3 really fantastic meals adapted from cookbooks my Wife checked out from the Minneapolis Public Library system. From a cookbook for casseroles I prepared a Turkey Wild Rice Au Gratin casserole which was devastatingly tasty. Monday and Tuesday of this week I prepared recipes from The Ayurvedic Cookbook [which has a very, very direct and accurate title]. Monday night featured the recipes "Dark Leafy Greens [I used curly kale] with Cumin" and a variation on the tofu and vegetables recipes where I merged chicken [in substitute for tofu] with the recipe for mushrooms and peas [substituting fresh chopped and steamed green beans for peas because we had just eaten peas in the Turkey Wild Rice casserole]. Tuesday the brown rice I prepared both evenings was accompanied by a dish called "Tofu Middle Eastern Medley". This time out I used chick peas/garbanzo beans in place of the tofu. I don't have anything against tofu, but it doesn't always agree with Kristin, and it falls short as a protein for me in a lot of recipes, so if I have a suitable alternative I'll often take it.

If the word Ayurveda is unfamiliar, well I should probably just refer my readers to my Wife's blog, but to cover the basics here, Ayurveda is a centuries old system of medicine originating in the Indian subcontinent. Ayurveda heavily links diet, body type, physical health and mental/emotional health and utilizes a diet appropriately balanced for the individual to promote all aspects of health.

On an interesting side note, relating to my career goals, Kristin sent me a link to this web page discussing Ayurvedic analysis and care for typical [North American] house pets. This got the gears turning in my brain. While I found the information on the page interesting, my primary interest as a [hopeful] future Veterinarian is to specialize in food supply animals rather than companion animals. I find myself wondering and brainstorming about the prospects of integrating ayurveda for the care of animals such as goats, sheep, cows, chickens, hogs, etc. I think there definitely is room to apply some of the practices. Kristin checked out another book from the library about ayurveda that made mention of ayurvedic veterinary medicine in ancient and early modern India (including ayurvedic veterinarians dedicated wholly to the care of elephants!). I don't think that there necessarily is anything contrary to ayurveda about working with food supply animals and, by extension, promoting dietary practices that are not vegan or vegetarian. Indeed ayurveda isn't necessarily vegan at all; ghee, clarified butter is absolutely an animal product and is a staple as a cooking oil in many ayurvedic dishes. While excessive meat consumption is discouraged by ayurveda it is not significantly more so than excessive, imbalancing indulgence in anything else. I've got food for thought I guess. Pun intended.

Please Take A Picture . . . It's Been a Good Day

Wow! Well it's been quite the day so far. So much has happened. I took the day off from work and slept in [a bit more than I meant to] which is usually nice. After I got myself together I walked over to MCTC to talk to people in admissions and financial aid to figure out how my dropping down from 3 courses to one would effect me. Admissions was my first stop. They informed me that even if I was only taking one class per semester I could still be considered a part time student eligible for a degree program. Good news!

Financial aid was a longer conversation. I learned that I would actually be eligible for financial aid at the level already offered me at any number of credits from a minimum of 6 to as many as 15. With the one class I'm hanging onto weighing in at a hefty 5 credits that means I would only need to tack on a 1 credit course to meet the requirements for federal loan money or financial aid through work study. A quick review of 1 credit courses that I could squeeze into my life includes, "Supervised Activity Programs" from the Physical Education department (basically come up with a personal fitness plan or participatory sport schedule with an instructor and check in every so often to verify that you are sticking to it. I think I could easily do this.) and Medical Terminology as an online course. I think either would be good, I'm going to work out whether I get course credit or not and a greater familiarity with medical jargon will ultimately be helpful (even if the course focuses on human rather than animal medicine), but Medical Terminology has a slight edge for me because my Wife is taking it. Like right now. Literally. I wouldn't even have to buy the book, I could just use Kristin's copy. And based on her description of the course it sounds like something that I could excel at quite easily. I haven't made a decision for sure, but I'm [obviously] leaning towards adding Medical Terminology right now and getting myself some financial aid for the fall.

This reminds me; I need to follow up with the financial aid office and/or my loan consolidation company and see if receiving financial aid as a part time student will make me eligible for loan deferment. How awesome could that be?

Anyway, my business for the day concluded at MCTC I walked home through Loring Park. For a while I have been aware that there is a bench in the Park dedicated to Abdu'l-Bahá, the successor to Bahá'u'lláh, founder of the Baha'i faith of which I am an adherent. Recently I learned through Kristin, who learned through a friend within our local Baha'i community, the approximate location of this bench. Today as I walked home through the park I decided to make a point of attempting to locate the bench. I located it just slightly east and north of the horseshoe courts. The inscription into the metal of the bench read [let's see how accurate my memory is], "Abdu'l-Bahá blessed this location on [date during his visit to Minneapolis] 1912 ". It was a very profound feeling to me to realize not only that the bench was dedicated to Abdu'l-Bahá, but that it was also located upon an exact spot that he had visited AND blessed. I sat on the bench and recited one of a few prayers I have memorized. Then in the shade cast by the bench I did some stretching because my lower back and left hip were bothering me a little. I did feel much better afterwards.

I sat on the bench and read some of Catching Fire, recommended to me by my Sister, for a while until I was interrupted by an Ethiopian tourist who asked me to take a picture of him in front of the Minneapolis skyline as seen from Loring Park. And that interesting and unexpected happening inspired the title, antithetical to the refrain of a song I'm fond of, to this very long blog entry. I returned to reading until I finished the chapter I was on and then headed home.

Almost immediately after arriving at home I received a call from Kristin informing me that her Chemistry Professor [to be my lab instructor this Fall] had granted permission for me to sit in on a lecture presentation. Unfortunately class was moments from beginning and there was no way I could make it today, but if I can take another day or half-day from work in the next week or so I should be afforded another opportunity to sit in.

As it happens it isn't so bad that I couldn't make it to Kristin's chemistry class because while it was going on I received contact from an admissions counselor with Animal Behavior College. Animal Behavior College is a primarily web-based, for-profit institution entirely dedicated to technical programs in the field of animal care. We discussed their veterinary assistant program at some length. It is very clear that the program at ABC will not give me the opportunity to fulfill any of the prerequisite academic work necessary for my admission into vet school. However, it is, so far, the most flexible and lowest tuition program I have encountered for becoming a veterinary assistant or technician to date. If I can't turn up any other vet tech/assistant programs that will enable me to complete coursework applicable to acceptance into a professional program to become a doctor of veterinary medicine I may still consider a technical program as a means of expediting the transition out of my career in customer service and into work in veterinary health while I continue to work towards entering vet school. If that is what lies ahead for me the program from Animal Behavioral College seems, far and away, of the best value I have encountered, thus far, in terms of my needs as a student.

Part Time A-No-Go

So the whole working part time and going back to school full time thing isn't really going to work right now. The financial aid package offered me by MCTC can cover my expenses for tuition and books, but not much past that (plus I'd have to put in work study time at a second job for the full amount). To remain financially solvent and go part time at my work I would have to wrangle about $30,000 in private loans and/or scholarships and that's a pretty hefty load, one that I don't believe it would be prudent to take on at this time.



I spoke to my boss to find out if the third, last resort, mystery option for alternate employment situations happened to be a move to the 7 days on/7 days off overnight shift [which is considered full time]. It wasn't; it was another part-time option. I told my boss that she could fore go looking into it further. She was happy to know that she wouldn't have to worry about replacing me, and let me know she would alert the manager of the after-hours personnel to my interest in moving to that position. At the moment I'm feeling angry that I'm going to have to delay my education yet again, and having a difficult time with the fact that I'm remaining in this job by which I feel increasingly unfulfilled.



My next step is to try to arrange to take Principles of Chemistry [I] as an online course with an evening lab time. Apparently this will require the same acrobatics with the registrar's office in terms of prerequisite waivers to allow me to enroll in a different section of the same course and lab that I've already received a waiver to enroll in. *sigh* And I've decided it's best that I take time off from work to deal with this because I'll need to explain to personnel in the Registrar's office why I'm seeking a Prerequisite Waiver for a class I'm already enrolled in, but for a different section. I may need to talk to admissions and financial aid as well to determine how going down to one class effects my status as a student. Then I have to make sure I can actually afford to do this. I'll do what I have to, to make that happen.


Ugh, I feel so exhausted, and frustrated and down after all the energy and time I've invested into this over the last, what? three months? four months? No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping. And getting out of bed in the morning. And dealing with the emotional roller coaster of this whole process. I just want to rest now please.

Be Patient Jon. Patient.

I'm trying to remind myself to have patience right now as I'm feeling particularly frustrated with the slow pace at which MCTC is producing my financial aid award letter. I took a couple of days off to try and deal with it, operating on the understanding that the institutions award notices for Fall Semester 2010 should be ready and issued within the first week of July. When I called this morning to clarify my financial aid status as reported in my on-line account, however, I was informed that at the earliest the letters will go out tomorrow and may be sent out as late as Tuesday of next week. This led me to take care of all the major errands and little projects I had in mind to fill some time off today. Now I am sort of stumped about what to do with my day off tomorrow, to the point that I even checked in with work to see if everything was okay or if they needed me to come in and help out [incidentally the week after the fourth of July tends to be pretty dead for our phone bank and things are apparently fine right now]. There aren't even comic books being released this week that I am interested in. I mean I guess I could always try to just relax and read. If nothing else comes up I may have to do that.

Anyway, as I stated I am frustrated by having to wait longer to learn about financial aid awards through the college, but there's nothing I can do about it except to wait and see what they offer me. My co-workers don't have much time off between them for the rest of the summer so it should be relatively easy for me to take time as it is needed. I think my frustration really comes from, first, not knowing and the anxiety that comes with the unknown and, second, knowing that the sooner I can identify what my financial needs are the sooner I can start pursuing additional resources to support this effort and the more likely it is that said resources will be available to me. Of course wrapped up with all of this is question of whether I'll be offered sufficient aide to have even a remote chance of returning to school at this time, and not being able to answer that is a big source of fear for me right now too. Okay, I think I've covered the subject to the extent I can right now. I'm going to try to just ride out the frustration and the anxiety and read and find some patience.

Those Things Which Cannot Be Anticipated

I believe I mentioned a while ago a proposal I had submitted to my supervisor and my boss that would allow me to return to previously held job duties on a part time basis; job duties that would allow me a much greater flexibility of schedule and enable me to stick with my current employer [and medical benefits] while simultaneously returning to school full time in pursuit of my longer term career goals. The decision required the input and authority of a different manager who was on vacation at the time I submitted my proposal and I had been waiting with increasing impatience for a judgment to be made. Well, this past Friday I was called aside by my boss for a short meeting at which I was informed that after a few meetings between her and the other manager the judgment was that my proposal was not a good fit at this time and would not be acted upon. One potential note of optimism; I was told that they had discussed some third option to aide me in returning to school but that it would require consulting with yet a third manager and I would not be allowed to know what this other possibility was until further discussion could be had at the management level. So I have been offered some hope despite the disappointment of my rejected proposal, though the ambiguity of this is not really sufficient to diffuse my anxiety over the situation. I still haven't received a financial aid award letter so there is some anxiety tied to that as well as I question whether there will be financial assistance of a sufficient degree to allow me to return to school full time even if part time employment [and benefits] can be arranged.

Given the circumstances it is difficult for me to not feel generally pessimistic about my prospects for returning to college, going on to veterinary school, and pursuing a career as a veterinarian right now. This is a very trying time for me. I even find myself questioning if these obstacles are not God's way of telling me that I have in mind the wrong ends for myself, the wrong way for me to best serve God and all humanity. But I don't think I need to really look any further than the very title of this blog (though it has taken the assistance of certain people who love me very much and who I love as well to help me be able to see it) to be reminded that this is not so. I remind myself that the road I walk through life is not always clearly visible but it is the path that must be taken, no matter how difficult. I don't really know that my road will lead me to the place I believe it will, but I do trust that if I hold fast to it and remain faithful that it will lead me to where I need to be at the time I need to arrive there. Simply because I cannot see the path or where it is leading me does not mean my path is wrong when I encounter hardships. Sometimes when we walk or ride down a road we must take a detour from what appears to be the obvious path and wait for this diversionary trail to lead us back to a path where we can once more clearly perceive our destination. Other times we find ourselves at a crossroads or a barrier and must wait for the road to become free enough from obstructions that we can safely traverse it once more. Some roads curve around hills or in ways that we cannot understand, seemingly directing us away from a straight vector to our destination before redirecting us clearly back on course. These things do not mean that the road is wrong nor our destination. They are merely tests of patience and resolve. Sometimes we must wait for conditions to be correct before we move forward. Sometimes we must take a direction that does not seem to be logical to safely arrive at our destination. Sometimes to attempt to avoid a detour can leave the traveller stranded or without experiences or resources that would not have been acquired had the advanced on what seemed the clear path.

Patience is essential. Patience and faith that the road will not lead us astray. The invisible road of life cannot lead us astray. It sets a course for us that we cannot help but follow. If we resist this and attempt to crash through we will inevitably miss important steps along the way or become stuck until we find our way back to the road. When we are patient and faithful to the path set forth for us we will still be tested and face obstacles that must be overcome to advance, but these are trials that are necessary for us to have the strength to continue down the road and overcome challenges we cannot yet envision, and arrive at our destination safely.

With this understanding I resolve to continue to walk my invisible road. I resolve to strive for patience and steadfastness in my journey. I resolve to do my best to accept the road as something that I cannot change and cannot have foreknowledge of. I resolve to strive for the courage to overcome obstacles I find for myself as I press on. I resolve to hold faith in my heart and mind that the road will lead me to the proper destination, even if I cannot yet see that destination, and that every step of my journey is absolutely essential to my my arrival there. Those of you that have helped me to gradually come to these realization and resolutions over the last few days, I hope you know who you are, I am very grateful to you for helping me wash the fog of disillusionment, self-doubt and despair from my eyes. It is time for me to stand back up and take another step on the path I cannot see.

No Wind For These Sails

I realized that it has been a few days since I've written an entry and that a lot of those I have written lately have been pretty sparse. A big part of that is that I am presently waiting to find out about a lot of different things and all I can do is be patient to receive answers from others on things that are, at this point, beyond my control. I am expecting my financial aid award notice some time within the next week from Minneapolis Community and Technical College. I am waiting for my boss and her fellow manager for our larger organization to meet and determine if there is any potential for the proposal I have made to be reassigned job duties and go to a part time schedule. I have tried applying everywhere I can find so far [with openings] that offers flexible part-time hours AND benefits. I think there may be some scholarship applications I can work on, but other than that I feel like I've really lost all my momentum. I still want to return to school, get my AS in biology, go to vet school and work as a large animal veterinarian. That hasn't changed at all. I'm just really feeling very aware of all the extenuating circumstances that are outside of my control right now and I'm having a hard time letting go and accepting that. I suspect I'll be praying regularly for the next few days (or weeks) for detachment from the things that are troubling me right now. If I can't do that, if I can't detach from concern over the future and live in the present, I'm going to spend the immediate future more often anxious than not.

Inevitable Entry About Depression 1: Attempting Detachment

I have suffered from clinical depression for a long time. I was diagnosed with it when I was 19, feeling totally alone and having vague suicidal thoughts, but I think I had probably suffered depression since I was at least 11 (I spent most of my sixth grade year with no real friends to speak of) if not earlier.

I don't really know how to help people who don't suffer chronic depression or any other mental health ailment to understand exactly what it is like to live with clinical depression. That may be for the best because the truth is it sucks. It really sucks. Even if a person has never been truly depressed before maybe they have felt very sad or scared or angry to the point that it is paralyzing. If not try to imagine feeling an emotion that is so strong and so painful to feel that it could paralyze you, or make it difficult for you to think clearly. Now imagine, if you can, that you have no ability to determine when this emotional cycle starts or stops, and that it may begin without you even being aware of it until some experience triggers the overwhelming emotional response.

Depression has definitely made it difficult for me to advance in my life. It has paralyzed me at times or left me afraid to try things that could end up having wonderfully positive results for my well being. It has almost gotten me into legal trouble. It has resulted in me engaging in self-destructive behavior. It has even made it difficult for me to seek help in dealing with depression when that is what I have needed.

When I'm depressed, I find it is easy to fall victim to what I call depressed-guy-logic. Depressed-guy-logic is that mode of thinking that dominates during periods of depression that jumps to conclusions, fails to acknowledge and accept unknowns, and generates cyclical thinking that exacerbates or prolongs depression. The solution for depressed-guy-logic, I have found, is detachment, the art of virtually stepping back from a situation to analyze what I do or do not really know and how accurate and well founded my conclusions which are a source of further stress are. Usually they are not based on very much at all. The next step is acceptance of any clarity gleaned through engaging in detachment. Neither of these things, detachment or acceptance, is always easy to do when I'm depressed. Sometimes they are not even possible. To engage in detachment it may be necessary to recognize that I am depressed first and that my depression is effecting my judgment. Sometimes I am so caught up in my depression that I can't see I am depressed and that is an obstacle to this. It helps me to regularly engage in mindful detachment regardless of my present emotional state. This makes engaging in detachment more reflexive, and if practiced it can be much easier to deploy this safety net. The next stage, acceptance, is also difficult. Even if detachment can successfully be exercised true acceptance of the conclusions I come to may be difficult to reach. Sometimes even acceptance of those conclusions isn't even much better because the conclusion may be a recognition that matters are inconclusive and unknown and in some states of depression I've experienced recognizing a situation as open ended is as difficult to deal with and accept as belief in conclusions reached through depressed-guy-logic are.

So currently I've been feeling depressed for a little while here, and upon reflection I think that fear that I won't be able to get enough financial assistance to return to school, or a job that can supplement that, or necessary medical benefits for myself and my wife, and then I won't be able to go back to school and I'll be stuck working in customer service for the rest of my life having tried to pursue my dreams and found myself either not good enough to achievethemorblockedby circumstancesoutsidemycontrolfromdoingso! *gasp* Okay, now I'm going to try to detach, shed the depressed-guy-logic and then accept the conclusion I arrive at and move on with my life in an effort to keep advancing along that invisible road. So what do I really know? I know that I will get my financial aid award notice from Minneapolis Community and Technical College in July (the financial aid office has told me the first week of July) and until then I won't be in a position to assess how able I am to return to school. I know that I will probably need to find a new [part time] job, but I haven't done anything myself to make that happen yet. I've looked at some possible employment options, but I haven't inquired anywhere and I definitely haven't applied for anything. I know there will be some part time jobs available to me that will grant medical benefits, but there may be other means by which to get comprehensive health care as a student that I haven't really explored yet. If the medical and financial necessities required for both Kristin and I to return to school cannot be arranged This year, it doesn't mean I can't start working and planning now to find a way to make it happen next year. It does not mean I have to be trapped working customer service forever, nor does it mean that I am not good enough to do something else. It means I may have to be more patient, or that I may have to let go of the idea of going back full time and find an alternative way to work through the prerequisites necessary for me to pursue entry into Vet school. I think I would be very disappointed to have to deal with this last scenario, maybe even discouraged, but it doesn't mean what I am seeking is impossible, just that it will be more difficult to attain. The real problem consistent to all of this is the uncertainty of what is going to happen in the next couple of months. For the time being though, I guess there is nothing to stop me pursuing a part time job in earnest. Just filling out applications and such, with the understanding that I won't be available to start anything until mid-late August. Okay, feeling a little bit better now. Maybe I'll fill out an application with UPS to be a warehouse sorter today or tomorrow.

Hunting for Money and Health Care

Well, I have begun my search for alternate employment that would be part-time and offer benefits. What I'm seeing so far doesn't have me feeling super optimistic. There just isn't a lot out there that offers the necessary flexibility, hours AND benefits. I find myself wondering if maybe I wouldn't be best off talking to my present employer sooner rather than later about the possibility of altering my employment status here. It's a pretty dis heartening situation for the moment and for my prospects of going back to school. I've also been feeling under the weather since mid-day yesterday which can't be helping things either.

In any event this is only my first day of seriously hunting job possibilities online and I don't actually need something lined up until August (I could even hold off a little longer with sufficient student financial aid and COBRA or temporary Blue Cross insurance, but damn COBRA is expensive). So I've got time but, at the same time, my time is limited and as somebody who has trouble leaving things open ended this is more than a bit nerve-wracking to me. Already. I suppose I'll probably be a little more laid back about it all after a few weeks, but for the moment it's tough to feel anything but anxious about my prospects. I just have to remind myself to keep trying, as long as it takes and that these things don't happen instantly.

How many more times can I fit the word time in here in the time it takes me to write this entry? Maybe I'll time myself. Or not.

Time!

One other thing I've been doing is investigating apartments, alternatives to the home Kristin and I currently live in. It's crazy convenient to MCTC and a great co-op which is wonderful but we're also close to bars, have no off street parking, and no in unit A/C and not so great air-flow between rooms, meaning environmental control is sort of at a premium for us. If my neighbors want to smoke I don't really care. If they want to smoke within sufficient proximity to my window that I can smell it I do care. One thing I have noticed in apartment hunting is that apartments that appear to be pretty close to ours in terms of size are being rented for less now than they were when we signed on for our current place and a lot of them have more amenities. At least they claim to. Seeing is believing with apartments. It may make more sense to stay in our current place and just invest in some things to make the unit a bit more liveable. I don't know. I guess Kristin and I have a bit to talk about where this subject is concerned.

Up next for me, more job hunting. Maybe some desperate grasping for grants and scholarships and possibly talking to my boss about alternative work options.