Friday, August 13, 2010

Psychological Cripple

I've been experiencing varying degrees of anxiety almost constantly for upwards of a month at this point. It has made it very difficult for me to interact with others, and I think placed strain on my relationships. It has hampered my ability to focus. It has negatively effected my ability to think rationally. It is scary and sometimes paralyzing and it sucks. My heart is too often racing. My attention too eratic. I have difficulty calming down. I sleep restlessly. I've tried to dismiss it as having passed, or as being circumstantial, but it's beyond that. There are things that have definitely fueled it. my birthday. the assault on August 4th. trying to make plans for gatherings with friends. consistently busy weeks and weekends. irregular sleep. sorting out school scheduling and financial assistance. coping with a job I often find frustrating or boring. being the sole bread winner for my home. All of these things weigh on me and make it that much more difficult. I feel isolated and alone and as though this, fuelling my anxiety further, is creating a snowballing self-fulfilling prophecy of isolation from others. I feel like I almost have to isolate myself to protect people from my toxic emotional state. I want to hide and cry and throw up until I'm so exhausted I just sleep until I'm refereshed. But when I wake from sleeping it's still there. I've been encouraged to accept and embrace and experience the emotons, and I'm trying but they're so intense that it is terrifying and overwhelming and I feel like I just keep going in deeper. Why can't I be a robot? Why do I have to feel and be so fragile. My insides burn, and my thoughts mislead me. My muscles ache. I feel my blood press against the walls of my skin. I leak emotional poison like a plague carrier. I radiate madness to infect anybody not so emotionally repressed and guarded to resist it. It hurts. It hurts so much. Emotionally yes, but there are now physical sensational symptoms too (maybe psychosomatic, maybe not), and it's effecting my mental faculties as well. Feel so totally lost in a crowded wilderness of madness. Scared of ending up on the street or an instititution. Affraid of hurting somebody.

Help. Please God. Don't let me become the Joker.

3 comments:

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  2. i googled "psychological cripple" at 3.40 this morning and landed here. so, i guess you and i have some experiential overlap. i dont really have any answers... sorry. although integration has helped me in the past. have you talked to a psychologist? that might help you. you sound like you need some me-time. i know that about 12 months have passed so you might (hopefully) feel better now. all the best.

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  3. does it feel better to know that youre not alone? or do you like the irony that in isolation you find company? i do.

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