Sunday, July 4, 2010

Those Things Which Cannot Be Anticipated

I believe I mentioned a while ago a proposal I had submitted to my supervisor and my boss that would allow me to return to previously held job duties on a part time basis; job duties that would allow me a much greater flexibility of schedule and enable me to stick with my current employer [and medical benefits] while simultaneously returning to school full time in pursuit of my longer term career goals. The decision required the input and authority of a different manager who was on vacation at the time I submitted my proposal and I had been waiting with increasing impatience for a judgment to be made. Well, this past Friday I was called aside by my boss for a short meeting at which I was informed that after a few meetings between her and the other manager the judgment was that my proposal was not a good fit at this time and would not be acted upon. One potential note of optimism; I was told that they had discussed some third option to aide me in returning to school but that it would require consulting with yet a third manager and I would not be allowed to know what this other possibility was until further discussion could be had at the management level. So I have been offered some hope despite the disappointment of my rejected proposal, though the ambiguity of this is not really sufficient to diffuse my anxiety over the situation. I still haven't received a financial aid award letter so there is some anxiety tied to that as well as I question whether there will be financial assistance of a sufficient degree to allow me to return to school full time even if part time employment [and benefits] can be arranged.

Given the circumstances it is difficult for me to not feel generally pessimistic about my prospects for returning to college, going on to veterinary school, and pursuing a career as a veterinarian right now. This is a very trying time for me. I even find myself questioning if these obstacles are not God's way of telling me that I have in mind the wrong ends for myself, the wrong way for me to best serve God and all humanity. But I don't think I need to really look any further than the very title of this blog (though it has taken the assistance of certain people who love me very much and who I love as well to help me be able to see it) to be reminded that this is not so. I remind myself that the road I walk through life is not always clearly visible but it is the path that must be taken, no matter how difficult. I don't really know that my road will lead me to the place I believe it will, but I do trust that if I hold fast to it and remain faithful that it will lead me to where I need to be at the time I need to arrive there. Simply because I cannot see the path or where it is leading me does not mean my path is wrong when I encounter hardships. Sometimes when we walk or ride down a road we must take a detour from what appears to be the obvious path and wait for this diversionary trail to lead us back to a path where we can once more clearly perceive our destination. Other times we find ourselves at a crossroads or a barrier and must wait for the road to become free enough from obstructions that we can safely traverse it once more. Some roads curve around hills or in ways that we cannot understand, seemingly directing us away from a straight vector to our destination before redirecting us clearly back on course. These things do not mean that the road is wrong nor our destination. They are merely tests of patience and resolve. Sometimes we must wait for conditions to be correct before we move forward. Sometimes we must take a direction that does not seem to be logical to safely arrive at our destination. Sometimes to attempt to avoid a detour can leave the traveller stranded or without experiences or resources that would not have been acquired had the advanced on what seemed the clear path.

Patience is essential. Patience and faith that the road will not lead us astray. The invisible road of life cannot lead us astray. It sets a course for us that we cannot help but follow. If we resist this and attempt to crash through we will inevitably miss important steps along the way or become stuck until we find our way back to the road. When we are patient and faithful to the path set forth for us we will still be tested and face obstacles that must be overcome to advance, but these are trials that are necessary for us to have the strength to continue down the road and overcome challenges we cannot yet envision, and arrive at our destination safely.

With this understanding I resolve to continue to walk my invisible road. I resolve to strive for patience and steadfastness in my journey. I resolve to do my best to accept the road as something that I cannot change and cannot have foreknowledge of. I resolve to strive for the courage to overcome obstacles I find for myself as I press on. I resolve to hold faith in my heart and mind that the road will lead me to the proper destination, even if I cannot yet see that destination, and that every step of my journey is absolutely essential to my my arrival there. Those of you that have helped me to gradually come to these realization and resolutions over the last few days, I hope you know who you are, I am very grateful to you for helping me wash the fog of disillusionment, self-doubt and despair from my eyes. It is time for me to stand back up and take another step on the path I cannot see.

1 comment:

  1. Well friend, good to hear that you're biting the bullet and taking steps forward despite apprehensions about 'starting over' at this point in life. It almost seems like the perfect time; newly married, new faith, and different outlook on life. Divine confirmations come with both reflection and action--seems like you're well on your way. Hope you find what you're looking for :)